dyshanhics

I Fear. - Part 1. The Dark/Night


I fear the dark. No, let me take that back. I fear the night. I sleep fine in the dark. I sleep fine alone in the dark. I sleep fine at night. I sleep fine alone at night. (Most of the time.) Let me explain...

The first time I realized I was scared of the night was back when I was about 7 years old. We lived in this old house in Wisconsin. I was in bed (bottom of a bunk bed). For some reason the lamp was on. I had my eyes wide open and I imagined... I repeat, I IMAGINED a dark shadow figure floating towards me. Slowly it crept... quietly, darkly, intentionally. I got scared. I started to cry. Cry quietly. Why quietly you may ask? Why wasn't I like a normal kid and screamed for my life? Well, because I knew I was imagining it. I knew, it was all in my head. As soon as I looked away the scary shadow would be gone... would no longer be creeping towards me. But I always looked back. I don't know why... I had to question myself if it was still there. Every time I looked it would still be looming towards me... but it never got to me. Coincidently what seemed to be 10 minutes later my mom came into my room and checked on us. Maybe she heard me crying or maybe she noticed my light was still on I don't know. All I know is that she asked why I was crying. And I couldn't answer her. I couldn't say I'm imagining something scary and I KNOW it's all in my head but it's still scaring the shit out of me and that is why I am crying. So... I told her my stomach was hurting. She gave me medicine and I fell asleep. (Wow even when I was younger I knew how the drugs worked!)

During my teenage years, my brain must have been growing all out of wack because horror movies were my favorite. Every horror movie that came out I wanted to watch. I loved being scared. Now? Now not so much. I'm crazy shit paranoid. All those movies I watched, all those scary monsters, dolls, clowns, dead people, etc.? I can see them clearly in my head and that's the worse. Sometimes when I'm lying there at night time I could just see the girl from The Exorcist, out of no where, and I would be totally freaked out.

The last time I saw X-Files (this is to prove how really gay I am, because really, who the hell is afraid of X-Files?) there was this man who rolled himself on a flat board with wheels... he was small and he couldn't walk. That man would somehow crawl into people's bodies and take over their skin. Anyway, after I watched that show I kept imagining him. In the bathroom (at night, with the lights on), in my bedroom, in the kitchen. Anytime it was night out.. and I had the lights on, I would still see him or feel him behind me.

Of course I don't cry anymore... I mean that would just be wack... I have more self control over my over-active imagination... I just wonder why they still creep in my mind like that? Is it some sort of rush my body needs so my mind scares myself? Who knows... all I know is that, no more X-Files, no more scary movies even though its PG-13. I'm a wuss. At least I imagine that I am.

...I'm also not a morning person but that's a whole other post.